


why people respect the rokudaime hokage (the neo-sannin are really really sorry, really)

by arispeaks



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Sasusaku if you squint, because i am, can you tell i love team 7, can you tell i’m also in love with kakashi acting like an actual sensei?, don’t listen to the monk from takigakure, how did she get there? she probably apparated, i would die for every member of team 7, is this another team 7 crackfic?, kakashi is done with his student’s crap, no sannin in this story though, of course, ooc everyone but like it’s a crackfic so, or used a vanishing cabinet, talk no jutsu, the fortune teller from kiri is probably sybill trelawney, they’ve already been bullied enough in my other story, this is about the neo-sannin still being able to be reduced to baby gennin, yamato and sai are team 7 and i would also die for them but like, you don’t have to squint that hard though it’s right there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:13:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24351118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arispeaks/pseuds/arispeaks
Summary: really, they were war heroesso why were they sitting in front of their gennin sensei looking like naughty puppies who were caught ripping up the living room couch.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 121





	why people respect the rokudaime hokage (the neo-sannin are really really sorry, really)

**Author's Note:**

> i really should be updating my a:tla fic but like i’ve spent the past days in,,, not the best mood so the chapters i’ve been writing for the real story are chock-full of angst and moral lessons and if i do make one-shots out of those chapters then i’m going to have to spoil some things about the story and i don’t want to do that.

Sakura vaguely recalled a time when Kakashi-sensei smacked Bisuke on the snout for stealing Bull’s food.

“-and furthermore, there’s absolutely no reason for you to reject the arm that Tsunade-sama offered. If you really want to repent then-“

Sasuke cut Kakashi off and Naruto shot him a look that practically said; _shut up Teme you’re gonna get all of us into trouble._

To which Sasuke replied with his own _“I do what I want, Dobe.”_ patented glare.

“A monk from Takigakure once told me; _if your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life crippled or lame than with two hands or two feet only to be thrown into the eternal fire._ ”

“Since when did you start listening to random monks from Takigakure?!”, Naruto shouted incredously

Kakashi sighed, “Naruto’s right Sasuke, when I was a chunnin, a fortune-teller from Kiri once told me that I’d have an easy time finding my way to a girl’s heart. Now look at me, I’m still single and I’m happy to stay that way for the rest of my life.”

Naruto remembered something about Kakashi driving his arm through his teammate’s chest à la Sasuke, but he wasn’t really sure about that.

Sasuke could swear that Kakashi once drunkenly rambled about not using the Chidori on pretty girls you had a crush on, a warning he evidently ignored, but he couldn’t be sure.

Sakura hoped that Sasuke would never ever come across that fortune-teller, one genjutsu Chidori through her chest was more than enough thank you very much. 

“Ha! You’re just saying that because you’re _lonely_ Kaka-sensei.”, Naruto seemed to have gotten rid of that fetching kicked-puppy look he was sporting earlier and had now regained his usual cheerfulness.

Kakashi gave them a serene smile. How they knew what kind of smile it was, even with the mask still firmly on his face, was a strictly-guarded Team Seven secret.

“Aa. I _am_ lonely. In fact, I was even lonelier when all three of my cute little students abandoned me to become Chibi Sannin.”

The kicked-puppy look was back.

Sasuke’s eyebrow twitched at the term “Chibi Sannin”.

Sakura took offence at the term “abandoned” because she stayed in the village.

Then she remembered that for the life of her, she couldn’t recall a single interaction with Kakashi-sensei before Naruto came back to the village.

“Now, what are we supposed to do next time a vaguely insane snake man offers you unlimited amounts of power in exchange for your body?”, Kakashi asked

“Ask him how much he’s willing to cough up.”

“He coughs up swords, Dobe.”

“I’m pretty sure he _pukes_ out swords Sasuke-kun, it would be pretty inconvenient if Kusanagi launched out of his mouth every time he coughs.”

“No, I saw him do it once, it almost impaled Kabuto.”, Sasuke grimaced while recalling the incident.

“Too bad he managed to dodge.”

“I know, right?”

“Does he not have any organs or something? How does he do that?”

“ _All_ the Sannin lack something Sakura-chan; Orochimaru doesn’t have internal organs, Baa-chan doesn’t have the ability to age, and Jiraiya doesn’t have any shame.”

“I’m pretty sure Tsunade-shishou can age, she just doesn’t do it.”

“How can you choose to just _not age_? Doesn’t that go against the laws of nature or something?”

“As if _your_ Sannin didn’t go around breaking like; _every law of nature there is._ ”, Sakura hissed, feeling the need to defend her mentor.

“Well at least _my_ Sannin didn’t run around peeping on women just so he can churn out some shady books for perverts.”

Kakashi took offence to that. Icha Icha wasn’t _shady_. He smacked all three of his students on the back of their heads.

“I think we’re getting off topic. Only Naruto answered my question. Sakura? _Sasuke_?”

“Tell him to fuck off.”

“Language, Sasuke. What would _you_ do Sakura?”

“Ask him for a psych clearance from the hospital, if he’s all clear then I’ll take the offer.”

“ _Hey!_ ”, both of her male teammates said in unison.

“Oh _please_ , as if _any_ of the Sannin could pass for mentally stable.”

Kakashi thought about that for a second and decided that yes, she was right. He decided to go for the next thing he wanted to lecture his students about.

If he didn’t, he’d probably find himself idly informing them that the Chibi Sannin weren’t exactly the epitome of mental stability either.

Like mentor, like student.

“If your teammate has gone and dived headfirst into insanity, what should you do?”

“Follow him.”

Sasuke and Sakura hummed in agreement.

“No.”

“Inject him with the poison you stole from Akasuna no Sasori and hope that it knocks him out long enough for you to drag him back home and chain him to a table in Torture and Interrogation.”

The men of Team Seven inched away from her.

“ _What?_ ”

Sakura shrugged, “It only occured to me after you tried to stab me with my own kunai.”

In all fairness, Sasuke thought he’d deserve it.

“Wait. What do you _mean_ ‘hope’, don’t you know what the poison does?”

“Judging by the ingredients in it, I wager it’d either make you spontaneously combust or sleep for 72 hours.”

Considering that they were talking to the Legendary Sucker’s protégé, they unanimously decided not to trust any of the wagers she makes. 

The men made a mental note to always keep an eye on any food Sakura would ever hand to them.

You know, just in case she got tired of not knowing what her stolen poison does and decided to test it out on her poor, unsuspecting team.

“What if you’re faced with a villain who’s harmed dozens of people and would have no particular qualms with punting you into hell?”

“Ask Sasuke how he’s doing and if the ass bow is really doing something besides making him look like a complete douchebag.”, Sakura paused, “We _are_ talking about Sasuke-kun right?”

“I said I was sorry for everything.”

“So like, everything from leaving her on a bench to trying to murder her? Sounds kind of vague Teme.”, Naruto turned to Sakura, “Hey Sakura-chan, why don’t you make a list of all the things Sasuke-teme is supposed to say sorry for?”

“I don’t think the people would look too kindly upon me if I exhausted the shinobi world’s entire supply of paper. War hero or not.”

“I’d attack first and ask questions later.”, Sasuke decided to shift the topic away from his _ahem_ transgressions, “Well, that is if they’re still alive after I’m done with them.”

“Teme! Stop being so violent!”

“Then what _are_ we supposed to do Dobe? Walk up to them and invite them for tea at your house?”

“There’s no need to be so sarcastic Sasuke-teme.”, Naruto grumbled, “You just need to talk to them!”

“You know, I’m more surprised that the idiot’s still alive and kicking than I am at that answer.”

“No, he died remember? I had to reach into his chest and pump his heart.”

“Oh yeah.”

“Say what you will but my Talk no Jutsu is responsible for like ninety percent of my wins!”

“Your... _what_?”

“My Talk no Jutsu, or Therapy no Jutsu, or Talk Release.”

“And what does this _Talk no Jutsu_ do?”

“It makes the bad guys not want to be bad anymore!”

“Are you sure that it’s as effective as you think it is?”

“Yep! Well, except for the time I tried to convince Pein not to destroy Konoha by telling him about ramen.”

“What.”

“So let me get this straight; you have the Kyuubi inside of you, years of training from the Toad Sage himself, and Sage Mode but you think... _talking_ is your most valuable jutsu?”

Naruto just grinned widely.

Kakashi was done with them. Absolutely done. It didn’t matter that they’d just saved the entire world, nope. They were the cheekiest, snarkiest, most irritating ninja on earth. 

He decided to just wrap up this small lesson.

“So what have we learned today?”

“Tell insane ninja to fuck off.”

“Follow your teammates down the road of insanity because those who abandon their team are worse than scum!”

“Let Sasuke be held accountable for his war crimes.”

He smacked them all again, harder this time.

Hey, if they can battle a god then they can handle a light love tap to the cranium.

“Don’t follow the crazy snake man.”

“Don’t act rashly by attacking people who aren’t in their right minds. Incapacitate them and try to reason with them when in a safe space.”

“Do your level best to defeat enemies when they’re a threat to you and your comrades.”

And as the Shinobi Alliance looked at their beloved heroes, looking like thoroughly chastised puppies and kneeling obediently in front of their gennin sensei, only one thought crossed their minds.

“That dude is _**scary**_ , man.”


End file.
